Simulacrum
by wynn12
Summary: A long time ago, Byakuya made a decision. Now he finally came to accept it. Written by gyrum, for me . SS spoilers, mention of Ichiruki.


_Warning: this fic, like Emptiness, was written not by me, but for me, as a gift. The author doesn't like the paring much, but writes very well, imo. When he decides to post this in his own account, I'll remove it from mine._

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**Simulacrum**

_By Gyrum_

Contrary to popular belief, Rukia is not identical to Hisana.

Looking down at Rukia's sleeping form, I can easily tell the difference. Their eyes are shaped differently and so are their bodies. Rukia is, ironically, slimmer and shorter, although much healthier than her sister ever was. Her hair is also different, darker and prone to stand up, the strands thick and rough while Hisana's was soft and silky. Their smell is also different.

Oh, they seemed so at first glance and I cannot begin to explain how it was for me when I was told, for the first time, of Rukia's existence.

As the memories rush me, I back away from Hisana's sister's bed, mindful of how close I am to her, and walk towards the porch, glancing at the dark and starless sky above. I briefly look back at Rukia and close my eyes, for the first time feeling the full weight of my actions. At the same time, it felt as if a weight I have been long carrying was taken from my shoulders and the night breeze, for the first time in very long, feels soft and playful upon my features.

Staring at the darkness, a hokku comes to me:

"_Such whims of the heart_

_very often subjugate_

_one's honor and law."_

The memories of my first meeting with Rukia are still fresh in my mind, as if they happened hours before. I did not find Rukia myself. My curiosity on her was picked when my then Lieutenant, Makoto, approached me about my wife joining the Seireitei. At first, still fresh from the loss, I was infuriated. Makoto had only stared at me without understanding when I spoke sharply about my wife's demise, then pointed out that someone exactly identical to her had studied the kido with him that very day.

Back then, even a freshly made Captain, I was already quite capable at moving unseen. The next day, I watched the alumni of the Academy walk towards their morning classes. My impatience started to build up as only strangers walked past my eyes. As the last of the students went through the gates, I turned and prepared to have a serious talk with Makoto about my opinions of his sense of humor.

"Oi! Rukia! We're late!"

As fate would have it, that harsh voice shouting drew my attention and I looked back. I am sure my surprised showed on my face as a stared at my wife, living and breathing, running ahead of a red headed boy. They appeared to be in a hurry, obviously late for their morning classes.

I stared.

Hisana simply ran past me, unmindful of my scrutiny. The red head, which I now recognize as my Lieutenant Abarai, noticed and bowed deeply, mumbling an apology. He obviously misunderstood my presence and thought I was inspecting the student's arrival. In a sense, I was, but not the way he thought I would be. I nodded carelessly at him, then turned to follow Rukia with my eyes.

I remember clearly how I felt back then. It was similar to waking up after a very long slumber. My heart was beating wildly and irrational thoughts ran through my mind. At that moment, I believed the gods had given me my Hisana back. Healthy and carefree at that.

It was only later that night, as I watched the sunset, that occurred to me that the Shinigami in training could only be Hisana's lost sister. I recalled the harsh yell that called my attention and tested the name on my own lips:

"Rukia."

I shook my head. A promise had been made to my dying wife and it would be kept. Rukia would be safe, I decided, even as my heart and body protested. I quenched the feelings that roamed through my heart and closed my eyes. It was, however, nearly a year before I took her into my family.

The next time I saw Rukia was on the day I adopted her as a sister. Again, I met resistance from my family members when I decided to take in a stray from the fresh shinigami recruits. They accused me of once again tarnishing the Kuchiki name with my 'charity.' But I was the Head of the Kuchiki clan and my wishes would not be denied, even if I saw their reasoning. Their complaints were easily overruled.

I brought the company of my uncle and secretary to the Academy that day. I did not trust my voice to speak to the living image of my wife and it was not uncommon to have mundane matters handled by a proxy. I just stood, silent, as they talked with and made the proposal to the young Rukia. I kept my eyes fixed on a distant spot in the wall, unwilling to meet her eyes. I feared what she would see there.

I desired her. Deep down, below all the layers of control I had constructed to deceive myself and the world, I burned to touch her pale skin. I wished to taste her lips, to smell her hair.

I had closed my eyes back then, mentally pushing such thoughts down, hoping they'd disappear. I told myself I just needed to get used to Rukia's presence. I also decided I would look for another wife.

The door banged open and the same red head from the other day stepped in. I glanced at him and felt his reiatsu. It was surprisingly strong. He had grown in power at a rate I had never seen before. Suddenly, a wave of jealousy washed over me. That _boy_ had her. He was close to her, was her friend and trusted companion. I allowed my reiatsu to leak through and willed its weight upon the young man. Satisfaction rose on my chest as I saw him start bowing and shock overtook as he held his ground. He lowered his eyes, yes, but kept his head up. Masking the anger that took over, I walked out of the room, faintly hearing my uncle say something to Rukia.

My mouth turned down a fraction as I tried to reign in the emotions that raged within my soul.

"My lord?"

I abruptly turned to my uncle and he took a step back. Seeing the sudden fear on his features helped me regain my control and, once more, push down the jealousy, anger and desire that seemed to fester within me.

"Yes?" I replied, once more calm and distant.

He hesitated before saying anything else, but eventually did so. I am sure decided that silence was a worst choice:

"She looks remarkably like Hisana-sama. One can easily see they are kin."

"I am aware," I replied. "That must not be said in my residence, however. Instruct the servants and family members to hold their tongue, uncle. Make sure you put away all traces of Hisana, except those within my chambers."

"My lord?" He questioned.

"Do so," I ordered coldly. Hisana's wish had been that her sister didn't learn of her existence, and I would honor it. However… "As far as everyone is concerned, the reason for Rukia's adoption is her similarity to my wife."

I walked away briskly, my heart hammering inside my chest. I was respecting Hisana's wishes, yes, but why allow Rukia the knowledge that she looked like my wife? Deep down, I knew my true reasons, but I did not dare to examine them.

It was two weeks later that I encountered Rukia again. Her adoption was formalized and she had moved into my home. I was told she was easy to please and polite to all the servants and family members. I was also told she asked for me a few times.

I avoided her.

The surge of emotions I felt when I went to the Academy scared me. I was afraid of how I would react when I sat before her, I was afraid of what she would see within my eyes and soul.

I was afraid she would hate or be scared of me. That I would thus lose her forever, that I would never see her and touch her.

I feared she would easily see the desire etched on my features and flee. Deep down, I knew I would lose her forever if she had an inkling of my feelings.

And suddenly, on that unassuming day, I decided I would no longer allow fear to rule my comings and goings. It would not do to a Captain, a noble, to be afraid of facing someone who merely resembled his deceased wife.

Steeling my features, I got up from my sitting area and called for a servant.

"I shall take my breakfast with Rukia today," I informed. "Ensure she is ready within the hour."

When I got to the dining room, the girl was waiting for me. I realized that was the first time I saw her wearing her Shinigami vestments and nearly paused in surprise. It was odd to see Hisana's features on the rough clothing of my craft, yet also oddly interesting.

"Good morning, brother," Rukia said meekly, her head bowed.

"Good morning, Rukia," I replied distantly. I sat down and nearly blinked as she proceeded to fill my bowl with rice. I nodded, keeping my features schooled, and took the offering. My eyes discreetly scanned her and I noted some of the differences between her sister and her for the first time. The uncomfortable silence stretched through most of the meal, but I felt victorious.

Rukia did not seem to note anything unusual on my behavior.

Satisfied both with my meal and my personal triumph, I commanded:

"We shall dine together."

The young girl looked at me and, at that one moment, I saw raw feelings within her eyes. Insecurity, fear and resignation. After a few moments, she nodded, as if understanding, and questioned:

"Does my lord prefer any vestments for me?"

My heart started hammering inside my chest. It was subtle, yes, and the sentence could be taken in many, many different ways. However, her overall posture, the tightness of her shoulders, the lowered eyes and voice…

"I am afraid I do not understand you, Rukia," I heard myself saying, even as I wished to say otherwise. A mere suggestion, just a request, was all it would have taken.

Rukia raised her head, blinking:

"My lord, I thought… I mean, I'm similar to Hisana-sama and… I…"

And that was when I made a decision. I closed my eyes and spoke.

"You should address me as it is due, Rukia. As your brother. Dress as you wish."

My feelings were torn, split between immense pride on my own strength and the unbearable feeling of loss. I felt a deep, deep cold within my gut, as if happiness was forever taken from me. As I opened my eyes, I was taken aback by the bright, sunny smile on Rukia's features. I distantly thought how much I longed to see that same expression on my beloved Hisana's face and felt my own resolve gaining strength. I had done the right thing.

"Hai, onii-sama!" Rukia replied loudly, bowing deeply. She raised her hand and made as if to stand, suddenly stopping. She turned once more towards me, extended her hand to briefly touch my own and said. "You are a most honorable and kind man, brother. Thank you for taking me into your care."

And she was gone, leaving behind a burning sensation where her skin touched mine. I glanced down at my own hand, mesmerized by the softness of Rukia's skin and the beauty of her voice. My heart was beating wildly and, for the first time, I noted that Rukia's smell was much sweeter than Hisana's. I felt my own body reacting to the mere though, a glimpse of how I thought it would be to have Rukia underneath me, grasping at my hair and whimpering my name.

Pressing my lips into a tight line, I stood and moved towards the door, carefully tying Senbonzakura to my side, pushing my improper feelings down.

For the better part of fifty years, I believed that I had gotten over my forbidden feelings for Rukia. Oh, occasionally I would glance at her and feel a sudden burst of… something. I was practiced in pushing it down, though. I was able to instantly bury it within my soul, never allowing it to come to fruition.

It was when Yamamoto-Genryūsai-sama called for a meeting and passed Central 46's instructions regarding Rukia that I realized that my feelings from Rukia were far from controlled.

As I listened to the Commander's explanation of what happened, the ire within me grew more and more. How dare Rukia put her life at risk? The sudden possibility of never seeing her again distressed me unlike anything.

And the boy.

Rukia gave her powers, maybe her life, to the boy. A mundane, human boy. My heart burned in a mixture of anger, jealousy and betrayal.

"I shall go," I said. "I will bring Kuchiki Rukia back."

Yamamoto- Genryūsai-sama just nodded at me, and I could swear I saw a hint of a smile upon his lips. I turned and started walking away.

"Make sure that Kurosaki Ichigo is taken care of, Captain Kuchiki. And should you be unable to capture Kuchiki Rukia, kill her."

I paused.

"Such are the commands of Central 46," Yamamoto- Genryūsai-sama finished.

An image of Rukia with her arms thrown around some other man's neck flashed through my mind and I nodded without turning.

I watched with a feigned lack of interest as Abarai toyed around with Rukia. She was slow and sluggish. I examined the dress she wore, the backpack she carried upon her back. I also noticed how alive she seemed. Comparing this Rukia, living in the human world, to the one that inhabited my house in the Soul Society was like comparing the bright smile that I saw on her lips year before to Hisana's defeated expression.

Once more, fury surged within me, carefully kept from my features.

I stood back as another boy joined the melee, easily dispatched by my Lieutenant. Abarai was gloating about defeating and killing the human boy, sword raised high towards the sky.

I felt him before I saw him.

Kurosaki's reiatsu flooded the area and it's a wonder that Abarai didn't notice his presence before the sword strike. I looked at the boy turned Shinigami and masked the surprise from my features.

He looked exactly like Shiba.

My eyes focused on Rukia's expression that very moment and I saw it there, as plain and clear as daylight. Hope, relief, worry and something else.

Rukia gazed towards Ichigo with so many emotions and feelings that the jealousy in me, always present, surged up and took over.

I wanted to kill Kurosaki Ichigo for taking what was mine.

Keeping my feelings tightly under control, I watched the fight between Abarai and Kurosaki. I said something to Renji when he allowed his guard to open, yet again, and the boy's enormous zanpakutou drew blood. Zabimaru was released and the fight started again.

I risked a quick glance towards Rukia and her pained, anxious expression hardened my resolve. Kurosaki should not be allowed to see or touch her ever again. My eyes widened slightly as she ran towards the two combatants and grabbed Renji's sword arm.

And then, the boy moved. I felt his reiatsu pushing against mine. He quickly dispatched Abarai and moved for the killing blow. I intervened and decided I would put an end to the boy's existence. Shunpo, some quick attacks on his vital points.

I spoke briefly to the boy and Abarai, but I would not be able to recall what was said. I only remember seeing Rukia rushing towards Kurosaki, yelling desperately that she wanted to be by him.

I spoke to her, compared him to Shiba. Deep down, I could barely contain the jealousy and anger I felt towards the brightly haired human. I wanted to slice him in pieces, to pick him apart for ever coming between me and what I desired.

He held my hakama and I would've grinned in glee, were that proper.

And once more, Rukia stepped in.

As she spoke, I watched her. The cold mask covering her true face, her true feelings. I could see myself in her. All my misery reflected on her own features, the suppressed feelings and desires.

I did not kill the boy. I could not bear to force Rukia to see someone she loved dead, like I had to.

At that moment, I understood what that last, unidentified emotion that had been flickering over her eyes was. What meant the tears pooled on her eyes as she faced the boy for what she believed to be the last time.

Rukia loved Kurosaki.

I also understood, finally, that I also loved her. In doing so, I broke the law and my word, allowing Kurosaki to live. I turned and left, leaving his battered, but living, body behind.

Resentment took over me. A tight grip clutched my heart as I experienced true rejection for the first time. I glanced sideways towards Rukia and the desire I always felt was tempered with a deeply seated hatred. She broke me, unbalanced me. Took from me what I thought noble and just and turned me into a mockery of the beliefs I held dear.

I hated her. And I hated myself for hating her.

We must never shed tears. That is life form's defeat and if we give in to the emotions then it only becomes proof of our inability to control it.

As I pushed down the maelstrom of emotions down into the forgotten depths of my soul, I decided I would not allow myself to be ruled by anything else than the cold, hard logic of my honor.

I blink, suddenly back from my memories. The sky is still dark above me. I can still hear Rukia sleeping behind me. I close my eyes and allow myself a very small smile. Perhaps for the first time since Hisana died.

I faced Kurosaki in single combat mere days before. He beat me. His resolve was greater than mine. Perhaps even his power. I pushed myself to my limit and he still kept up, even if less than a month before, I had severed and destroyed all his shinigami powers.

He came farther for Rukia than I ever thought possible.

It was during our fight that I realized that my love for Rukia was not the same as what he felt. It was during our duel that I saw that the burning embers on my heart were pale in comparison to the flame storm that was Kurosaki's feelings.

I had my chance with Rukia and I let it go. I was too afraid to face my own feelings. I allowed myself to be a mockery of own being for too long, hiding from what was truly within. Using my honor, the laws and the faint ideas of what was and was not proper as excuses to never confront my own desires.

Never, in those decades living with Rukia, I went out of my way for her.

Kurosaki Ichigo taught me about love, bravery and choices. About doing what is right over what is accepted as right. About following your heart over your mind. About fighting for love.

And so, I finally understood that it was time to let go.

I will never see Rukia as a sister, but I will be the brother she needs and wants. When she asks, I will also give her my blessing to be happy. I will not allow myself the same selfishness that made Hisana die without ever loving me as much as I did her. At the time, I didn't understand why she apologized as she died… Now I do.

I will not force Rukia to live for me and apologize on her passing.

I guess I just love her too much to hold her close, when all she wants is to be let go.

I move back, silent as a shadow, towards her bed. I once more kneel besides her, bending over her still form. I am careful not to disturb her sleep, as she is still recovering from the ordeal Soul Society – I – put her through.

"Be well, beloved," I whisper as I kiss her lips.

I stand up and leave her room, the cold and false mask of Kuchiki Byakuya firmly upon my features, even as my heart beats strong and unhindered within my chest.

As a tear escapes my left eye, I refuse to push my feelings down.

...

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Wynn: I really liked how he developed Byakuya's motivations, it all seems to fit very well in canon, seems very plausible. Again, I appreciate the gift and reviews will be forwarded to the author. When he decides to post his fics on his own ffnet, I'll remove them from mine.


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